Thursday, April 26, 2012

Digital Sea, Available Free


I was six the first time I stole music. I tuned the radio to Hot 99.9, waited for a favorite song, hit "record" on my Fisher Price tape recorder, and made as little noise as possible while the precious tunes imprinted on the rolling strip inside the cassette.

...Until I got distracted and wandered off to play Barbie, leaving Casey Kasem to his own devices. Somewhere, there's a box of homemade cassettes filled with hours of Top 40, complete with ads and a background soundtrack of my sister and me fighting over whose Barbie got to wear the hot pink skirt with the purple sequins.

I upgraded to a dual cassette recorder in third grade, and later made mix tapes from CDs. Throughout high school, I probably made and received an average of one mix tape a week.

It's hard to remember now exactly when Napster entered my field of awareness. I must have been a junior in college, because I remember sitting at my desk with my roommate, the two of us so excited we were literally crammed into one chair and leaning forward, our heads together, toward the monitor, feverishly downloading every random thing we could think of, including "Woke Up This Morning," the Alabama 3 song from the opening credits of The Sopranos.

We had a blast. And, since we were downloading music we would never have purchased (remember, this was pre-itunes, so things like "Woke Up This Morning" weren't necessarily readily available via any other means), it didn't feel like stealing. Or at least, not stealing that mattered.

Besides, I'd been stealing music for years. And what musician in her right mind would begrudge her inclusion on my mix tapes? Isn't it an honor, a joy, if someone loves your music so much that she must include it on the tape she's about to give her boyfriend?

This is how I justified my theft of music, via Napster. It didn't seem, initially, to be much different. And though I didn't end up downloading very much, since the program hogged my computer and I deleted it fairly quickly, it was years before I really understood why Napster was bad for music--for the musicians and the audience.

I got my first job when I was 14. My mom had to sign working papers for me. It was a tipped job bussing tables at an upscale restaurant, and I often made about $100/night (which very nearly made up for the indignity of wearing a red bow tie). This would have been in... 1996 or so, when we still had a music store in town and CDs cost between $15 and $20. So, naturally, I thought of my salary in terms of how much new music it could get me: Instead of thinking, "Great, I earned $100 tonight," I thought, "Nice. Five CDs."

In other words, music was something I worked for. The musicians worked to make it, and I worked to own it. And I valued it as such. My CD collection was organized, and I took pride in keeping the jewel cases pristine. I pored over the liner notes, and was always disappointed when the physical design of the album wasn't up to scratch.

I made mixes, of course, but this added to the number of hours I dedicated to any given song, which added, rather than detracted, from the value of the music. I also received mixes, and valued them as well, not just for the music itself, but for the work my friends had poured into them.

Downloading music illegally involves exactly none of the above steps. Instead of valuing the music by virtue of the work involved in its acquisition, we've come to see musicians as people who owe it to us to give away their work because we can't be bothered to pay for it. There seems to be this idea floating out there that music is so fun to make, and being a musician is such a great job, that the artists pretty much owe it to us to keep at it, whether they make any money or not. And anyway, we all know that they make more money than we do, so it's a victimless crime, right?

I'm not going to sit here on my self-righteous high horse and suggest that Madonna has been financially stripped by Internet vultures. Lady Gaga has more money than a person could spend in three lifetimes. And there certainly have been unknown artists who have benefited, sometimes hugely, by "giving away" their music until they were "discovered" by the big labels and turned into overnight millionaires (Justin Bieber, anyone?)

But it's not just the individual musician who stands to lose in a culture that devalues music and art, which our culture undoubtedly does (how many school art programs have survived the current economic problems?). It's also the loss we all experience when we forget that art is important. That it has value--it adds enormous value to our lives, but only if we acknowledge that value do we truly benefit from it.

I don't know what teenagers are like today. Surely some are still pouring over the digital equivalent of the liner notes. Surely some still work for music. And maybe my friends and I were more unusual than I realize, and most of our peers simply listened to whatever came on the radio. I don't know. But I do believe there has been a fundamental shift in the way we value music, as well as writing and visual art. Because there ARE plenty of people willing to do it for free (blogging has proven disastrous to the field of journalism, for instance), and I believe the audience loses as much as the artist when such devaluation becomes mainstream.

-Lex

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Night Owl

Midnight - 2 a.m. is my favorite time of day to work. I love being awake when the world is quiet. I never realize how noisy other people's thoughts are until they're turned off. I love when it's just me, content and productive, writing or drawing or musicking. It's an alone time of day, but not a lonely one. A time without distractions, a time when I can focus.

Or it used to be. Then I had a baby.

I knew I wouldn't get much sleep when Niblet was tiny. Everyone warned me about that. It didn't make 3 a.m. feedings any more fun, but knowing they were short-lived did help.

What I didn't know was that, once she stopped waking up in the middle of the night for food, she'd become a pathologically cheerful morning person. And not just for a few months, but (so far anyway) for the entire stretch between infancy and adolescence.

When I was a teenager, my mom always woke me up by 9 a.m. on the weekends. "Wake up!" she'd call from the hallway. "The day is half over! And take a shower! I can smell your hair from here."

At the time, I found it annoying. Now I find it insane.

When you're a parent, there's a very simple golden rule: Kid asleep = Time off. Time off from being responsible, time off from pretending you never eat cookies for breakfast, time off from kid-friendly media, time off from the constant, nagging question: Am I screwing up my kid right now?

Time off means time to work, and I need my work. I need to write, I need to play, I need to create things. Everyone who has that drive knows what I mean by 'need'. Our work is who we are.

It also requires total submersion. It's not something you can dip in and out of in between potty training and marathon viewings of PES videos. At least, it's not something I can dip in and out of. Being a parent means not only putting the needs of your kid first, but doing it without resenting that you're doing it. And when I'm working, I resent every interruption. I resent having to pee.

I can't get my time at 2 a.m. anymore. Now I have to be awake at 6, and I have to be happy about it.

Niblet sneaks into our room in the mornings, comes around to my side of the bed, and says, "Mommy. Mommy. Mom. Mommy? Mom. MOMMY!" until I roll over, squinting. Then she breaks into a huge grin, spreads her arms wide, and says, "It's MORNING TIME!"

Only a gargoyle would snarl in response, but that's what I become if I haven't had enough sleep. So now, I give up my precious nighttime hours. I don't make it anywhere close to midnight, even.

It's taken awhile to get used to my new schedule. Now I get up like every other schlub, take a shower, get Niblet dressed and fed, and and work while she's in school.

Fortunately, I slip into that focused work place pretty easily these days. I'm much more efficient than I used to be. My muse had better show up on time, because I'm here and ready and time is short.

When I was pregnant, people told me that once I was a mom all of my priorities would change. That everything I ever did in life would be for my kid. I think this was meant to make me feel good--it does give one a sense of purpose, after all--but it scared me. What about my work? What about my brain?

Fortunately, my brain is the same as it ever was. When I work, I forget everything and everyone else around me. I forget that I'm a mom, I forget that we're out of milk, I forget that the dirty laundry is threatening to take over the house, and I work.

Just like always. But with daylight.

-Lex